note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
