they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
