Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
