quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
