Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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