My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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