He uses pillows to masturbate.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
