You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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