Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
