I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
