The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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