I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Randomize
