Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
