dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
