i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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