Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
