You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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