My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
