This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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