Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
