I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
