I faked an abortion last night.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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