Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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