God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
