Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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