you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You ate ashes out of my bong
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
