i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
