Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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