I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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