We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
