The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
