I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
