i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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