That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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