She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
