dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
