If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
