Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
