she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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