somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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