Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
