i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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