we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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