I can't breathe out the right side of my face
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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