I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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