Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
