I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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