Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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