Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
