just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Randomize