I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
