we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
