I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
